Charles: The Man In The Box

So... Where to begin. I went down to Tampa Friday to see the touring company of RENT (with Anthony Rapp!!!!!!!!!! And Adam Pascal, but Anthony Rapp!!!!!!!). It was 100% pretty fuckin' awesome. I was in the second seat on the third row, and I know I noticed a couple of cast members noticing me, and laughing amongst themselves in the hidden way actors do on stage. Like, trying to hide it, but I notice EVERYTHING lmao. A.Rapp noticed me, and then after the show A.Rapp signed my Life Café menu, and he looked at me and we shared like... 5-9 eternal seconds of amazing eye-contact, during which time everything and everyone else disappeared. Or perhaps I'm just crazy, but I don't care because I know what happened.

My mom and I got home last night, and Thomas and I had some serious relationship discussions. We've decided to wait until at least January for me to move up there, and just re-evaluate everything then. Too much has happened too recently, and we tend to fight a lot. So we're just going to try and work on "us," and then see where we're at in January. Plus that will give me enough time to save up and go to New York City and still have the money to move with. I'm going to be looking at trips now. Yay!

And with that, I'm done with this update for now. Peace out, y'all.

So I found out today that I'm going to be working regularly this summer at my job, which is good. The only guarantee is Friday from 6-10, so 4-4.5 hours depending on how long it takes to close, but that's $32 a week that I didn't have. At least I'll be able to pay my phone bill now! Hurray! And there are going to be times when they'll need me on more than just Friday, so I'm rather excited. Knowing that takes a lot of pressure off my shoulders for finding a job this summer. I mean, I'll obviously still try and find a part-time job for a couple days a week or something, but hurray!



Not too much is going on. I went out to Cantina last night, for the first time in ages. It was overall a terrible night, but that had nothing to do with the company I was in or the bar I went to. Thomas and I got into a ridiculously huge fight which was blown WAY out of proportion for no reason whatsoever. It was mostly my fault, though. I kind of realized a lot about myself last night. It's so stressful having him not be in town because I'm a needy attention-whore, and when he's here I'm used to being showered with his affection and attention. When he isn't in class he's usually spending most of his time with me, and seeing him two weekends out of the month is killing me. And so, like a child, I realized that when I feel like I need attention, I "act out" and start shit. It's a lot to deal with, and a lot more than he deserves to put up with, but we sorted it out last night and so that's good. I'm going to try and work on my attention-seeking behaviors. I honestly feel like I'm 15 again, being in therapy and dealing with my attention-seeking shit.


But in other news, I got to see Blumie last night! She's this really awesome lesbian friend of mine who used to live in Newark, NJ, but she's from here. She's a friend of my neighbor's and she's a dancer. And I was talking to her about what I'd need to do to start dancing, and how likely it would be that I'd be any kind of successful due to my age. She said that men are generally able to begin later on in life and still be pretty decent. It's easier for a male to learn technique at 20 than it would be for a female. She said I should take classes in classical ballet and I think I'm also going to do a modern class. It'll be fun dancing, I think, I've always wanted to. So I'm all excited about that.

Anyway, I'll end now. Adios, mi gente.

So I've been gone for so long, that really I've realized my only reader is, quite possibly, bigfundrew. So I'm going to do a little meme to let people who are on my friend's list get re-acquainted with me. Or in the event that I might get new friends. Not that I depend on people liking me to make me feel like a man or anything. ::bites tongue and holds back the tears::


( Survey Under Cut )

So I feel like it's been ages since I've posted. So much has been going on that it's been quite difficult to handle it all, as I'm sure some of you *coughcoughandycoughcough* are aware. About 6 days before my boyfriend was supposed to go home for what I thought was only going to be the summer, he told me that he'd likely not be returning to his school in Daytona next year; that it'd be easier on him as well as his family if he were to transfer to a school in his hometown. So that week was thoroughly bittersweet for me, because we did have a lot of fun that week, I think. I actually went into over-drive to prevent myself from doing anything we'd fight over, and I fell harder in love with him. Which, of course, is so like me. A week before I know my boyfriend is leaving me, as he seemed completely against the long-distance thing, I allow myself to fall deeper in love with him. He left Saturday night, which I spent completely wasted. I was in the most pain I've ever felt, emotionally speaking, and I really couldn't have been sober. I'd never have stopped crying. I was totally drunk and it was STILL hard to stop crying. Then Sunday was just as hard, only sober. Then this past Monday he came and finished some stuff at his school, and we spent a little time together. We didn't do much, but we did decide to at least attempt to make this work, seeing as he only lives two hours north of me. The hardest part about him being gone, though, to me, is that I miss lying in his arms. It's like... When I'm there, in his arms, I feel safer than I've ever felt. And like I've really found myself fighting sleep simply because I like to be aware of his arms around me, his breathing onto my neck... It's honestly this feeling I can't describe, and one that I never want to live without. So that part's actually really hard. He's coming down for the weekend this Friday evening, probably. That will be really nice, I'm hoping. I have to get my room clean, but I'll do that.

In other news, I'm still trying to find a summer job. I had an interview at McDonalds, but evidently the lady that was interviewing me was the same lady I'd interviewed with over a year ago when I couldn't take the job because I was offered a better position. She seemed like a huge bitch, and was evidently still upset that I didn't take the job. So I of course wasn't offered it again. I'm going to go out and try and find a job at a restaurant as a dish-washer or food runner or something. Just something to make money. Dish-washing isn't exactly glamorous, but it's pretty decent pay and it's not too hard.


Well, I think I'm going to get off this. Just meant to do a brief update, ended up telling my life's story. lol I'm sure I'll update again soon.

I kiss your skin so soft
Watch you look at me
Your eyes the clearest crystals
Cinnamon brown and beautiful
Deeper than any ocean
And in them I see my heart
And it is in them also
That I realize it was I
Who offered it up to you,
Who willing handed it to you,
The rightful owner.
Offering my heart once again
As a sacrifice to that Goddess,
At once more beautiful than any gem
And more terrible than any blade,
Which we know as Love.
As I look into those brown pools
Of intensity and emotion,
Seeing all at one the love
I've always wanted
And always known was never
Meant to be mine,
I can't help but think...
To be held by any other arms
Could never be natural
To be kissed by any lips
But yours...
I cannot begin to imagine it;
I cannot bear to imagine it.
To feel the love of another
Moving within me
I could never feel the same
As when your love
Filled me to the brim
Making me whole; completely
Devoured in those kisses which have
Always been but the purest drug,
The sweetest candy.
How do I live without your
Warm caresses at night;
Without the safety I've felt
Only in your arms.
Give me the strength I need.
I softly whisper to myself:
I simply don't know
How to move on from loving you...

So... Thomas and I got into a huge fight again tonight. He's been really stressed out lately, so it's been happening slightly more frequently. I mean it's the end of the school year so it's understandable, but I still can't stand it. I'm too tired to really get into it, and we're okay now, so that's good.


Yesterday was my last day at my job until next fall, because we get laid off for the summer. So I'm trying to find a summer job just to pay for my phone pretty much. Let me tell you the fun that is. I don't think I'm eligible for unemployment because I haven't worked four of the past five quarters, so that also sucks. So I guess wish me luck! I'm mostly worried about my school getting payed for. I've already given up the hope of taking a vacation at all this year. If I do get to go to NYC it won't be until sometime this fall.


Thomas leaves in two weeks to go home for the summer. That's got me really depressed. We rarely go for more than a day without seeing each other. Our longest time apart was four days over his spring break, and even then I was like... AHH!!! Going crazy! lol So this might be good for us, give us a little space and all. And he only lives in Jacksonville, which is like 2:30 from my town, so it's not TOO bad. But it's going to be hard, I know. But I think it'll only make us stronger, really. Give me some time to myself to work on some of my issues. He says he's going to visit, but we don't know how often or for how long. I just want to throw myself into work and school so the summer flies by. I'm going to try and volunteer at the Arni Foundation and also at the Daytona MoAS. Plus if I can get a job, I'll be able to register for Summer B classes, not to mention how amazing volunteering looks on a resume, and thus I'll be more hire-worthy.


I've also decided to set some goals for myself this summer. Goals which I know, as of right now, that I have the ability to accomplish. And now that I'm done updating they'll be under the cut, as no one but myself really, I'm sure, cares to see them. :)


( Mes Objectifs de l'Eté )

I don't think I've posted to this thing at all this year. And so I suppose now would be as good a time as ever, eh? Things are going fairly well with me. Much better, at least, than they were the last time I wrote to you all out in LJ-land. I just watched the video for If You Seek Amy, and let me just say... YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS Ma'am! It is heaven on YouTube. She is sex incarnate. Well, now that she's gotten rid of the cellulite. lol Anyway. Back to me. lol I've been working at Einsteins Bros. Bagels since January. It's on the Embry Riddle Aeronautical University campus, I work for a company called Sodexo. But basically I just make bagels. It's great. I don't too much care for my job, but it's full-time work making slightly more than minimum wage plus benefits. I've also been going out with this guy named Thomas since right around then. Actually Saturday makes two months. We've been doing all right but we do fight a little more than I'd think is normal for two months. But someone expressed to me that they think, and I agree, that fighting is a sign of passion. And it's not usually over anything too serious. My mother's office is being closed at some unspecified time between now and May. So I will be more depended upon. Which is going to be a good way to prove to my mother that I'm not the child she still seems to think I am. I've been paying my school debts, too. $100 every week, so by the beginning of summer I should be able to register for classes again. I'm either going to go for one or two classes over summer B term, or just enroll full-time in the fall. Not much, really, to say. I'm finding more and more that my life is boring and I'm trying to find ways to spice that up. Not only is my life boring, but I think I might possibly be boring. So... Yay!

So my day just improved a little from my last post a few hours ago. I got in touch with my best friend from my first year in college, Mackenzie, and we're going to hang out tonight with this other girl we used to hang out with a lot. It's going to be like old times, just the three of us. lol And it's very exciting, and so my mood has improved. There is so much we get to catch up on, and yay! lol

So it's recently been brought to my attention that I'm terrible at updating this thing. lol My life's basically at a stand-still at the moment. I'm still trying hard as hell to find a job, and the economy still sucks. lol The shitty part is that I'm actually trying harder than usual. Let me let you know how depressing it is. lol I don't really ever do anything notable, nor does anything notable ever really happen to me, so I don't know what to put. I've been feeling really depressed lately. Moreso than usual. I really wish I had insurance, because I'd like to be placed back on the medication I was on, as it was actually working. But life sucks, so what can you do? lol Last night I had a dream about Julio, which I find kind of funny, as he was in his Halloween costume, which was COMPLETELY ridiculous and campy and trashy and slutty, in his own words. lol But I slapped him at one point, and then ran down the street. It was such a weird dream. As odd as it sounds, though, I do actually miss some of the times I had with him. Not that I would want to go back to staying with him, but reminiscing kind of makes me miss some of the times. Also, I'm constantly reminded how single I am, especially seeing Jeff so often, now that he has a "boyfriend" or whatever they are. He makes me so angry and so depressed... I can't explain it. But I can't make myself not see him, either. I really care about him, and I wish I couldn't. So I make up for my inability to forget him by being a bitch to him, which I'm starting to feel is driving him away. And I need help... Ugh. So, to summon up the past three weeks that I've gone without updating, here goes. My Life Sucks.

How is it that I still find relevance in songs from Stripped? For those of you now in the know, that's Christina Aguilera's album that helped me come out of the closet when I was 14 years old. I was just looking up Jordin Sparks music, and I came across where she sang "Fighter," and I was like... Well, Julio might have fucked me over, but he did help to make me that much stronger, and now I have this innate desire to become more independent. So, while I still have almost nothing but contempt for him, there is that part of me that almost wants to thank him for making me that much more of a fighter.




"After all you put me through, you'd think I'd despise you. But in the end, I wanna thank you. 'Cause you made me that much stronger."






And that Christian guy is the devil. That's all I'm going to say about him. Boys get me in more trouble, I swear. haha

How in the fuck did I let myself get into this shithole of a situation?

I'm so excited!! I started work today, at this place called Crispers, which is sort of like Panera, only a little different. I don't make too much, $7/hour, but there's room for improvement, and the company's owned by the grocery chain that I used to work for, Publix, which is one of the best companies to work for in the south. And at least it's a little bit of money in my pocket, eh? I'm so excited.



Jeff isn't with me tonight, thus my ability to update. hehe He's currently having some financial troubles, so I probably won't get to see him until he gets payed on Friday, seeing as he won't be able to buy gas. He took me to apply at Crispers, to my interview, and to my orientation, so I am definitely going to be giving him like... $15 in gas money when I get payed. lol I had a fun weekend with him, and I kind of miss him at the moment. lol Weird? Anywho... I'll update more later.

So it's been ages since I updated this thing, seeing as I had to be nudged into doing it. lol There's a LOT that's happened since I last updated.


I'm sort of dating this guy, Jeff. I say sort of because it's not "official," but we're both pretty much exclusive, and everyone calls him my boyfriend. lol He's really nice, and cute. lol It's still pretty soon, though, to say anything, seeing as we've only been hanging out for two weeks. lol It seems so weird that it's only been two weeks, but I suppose it has. lol


I'm also STILL searching for a fucking job. It's ridiculous. There's a McDonalds hiring fair thing tomorrow, so I'll definitely be going to that. :)

A good friend of mine that I've known online for years, who lives out in LA, turns 19 next month. Yay! He's going to be flying me out there, or so he says, for his birthday. lol I'm excited, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. He still has to save the money, and he said he won't be able to pay for it until the third week of Aug, but I'm hopeful. Who knows? I'm so excited, though, because I've never been to California, and I've always wanted to meet him. He's one of my best friends, and probably my best online friend. I've known him since I was 14. So yay!


My life is pretty boring right now. Not much going on. I got my coffee maker working today, so that's always fun. haha And my mother still drives me insane. So life's pretty normal.

I'm getting so terrible at updating this thing. lol


I've been busy trying to find a job, so I can pay off my school debts. I really need to get back in class and stuff. But seeing as the economy is so terrible right now, looking for a job is pretty pointless. lol But I'm keeping my eyes peeled and stuff. My life is pretty much at a stand-still right now.



I've been missing New York more and more as the days go by. It's been over a month, now, since I was there. I can't believe it. :( When I get a job, I want to go back up there in September or November. I'll be able to fly, because it'll be cheaper and stuff. I don't know, I still might take a Greyhound. So I can see Andy again. I really want to see this new musical that I'm sure you've all heard of (it won the Tony for best musical). In The Heights. Everything I've heard from it is amazing, too. lol So, wish me luck there.




I saw 27 Dresses with my neighbor earlier this afternoon. It was SO cute! lol It really made me want to find "the one," though. I think I'm pretty much over my "anti-love" phase. lol IDK It's still kind of scary, the whole vulnerability thing, but who knows? lol I don't think I have to worry about finding the right guy any time soon, though. But it'd be really nice to be able to be in love with someone who is just as much in love with me as I am with him, and to be able to just sit there holding each other and stuff... Oh silly romantic notions. lol

So... Life isn't too bad, really. Not much to update. Still trying in vain to find a job. Not having one is driving me up a fricking wall. I sit at home all day and do nothing. I apply, and they're not hiring. I actually had an interview at this place on the Boardwalk, but he pretty much blew me off because I have no experience as a grill cook, even though the ad in the Pennysaver was for a cashier. Fun, yes? So I'm waiting for Danielle to get out of the shower, then she's coming over. We're going to be meeting her boyfriend at the Boardwalk. That's seriously all we do when we hang out. We go to the Boardwalk and walk around and goof off.



Seeing them together makes me feel really envious. I wish I could have what they have. Someone to hold me, someone who knows me so well that we finish the other's sentence. I find that I've gotten over the boy, and quickly, but I still want him here. I want someone to be close with. Yet I know that if someone else were to come along, I'd find him to be second-rate, because I was happy for that one day. One. Fucking. Day. How the fuck does one day cause emotions like what I've felt? I'm not over him, per se. I still feel emotions for him, but it's no longer an infatuation. It's more like a longing to be near, but an acceptance that it can't possibly happen any time soon. Phone conversations will have to be enough to suffice, and I really can't complain, because I could be in a far worse position than I am now. It no longer hurts when I think of the distance that separates us, and I've still got my sanity. And at least I've still got his friendship to count on. But god I wish the miles would disappear. And another part of me thinks that, if something were to happen, it wouldn't live up to my expectations, and that I expect everything will be perfect because of that one perfect day. What I hate most of all is the fact that I have no idea what's going to happen. That's what drives me mad to no end.




All this because I'm going to the boardwalk with my best friend and her boyfriend.




And I need to go through my friend's list. lol I realized today that I don't know, or talk to, a lot of the people on my friend's list.

What amazes me most is that you never gave up on me.

So, here are the photos from my trip.



Some of them, at least.




( Pictures Under Cut )

So an old and really treasured friendship has come to a close. At least for right now, that is. It's sad, but I suppose I've only got myself to blame. I really do need to get my shit together, I suppose.






In other news, my mother and I are currently in the middle of World War III, and for the most ridiculous reasons imaginable. All day yesterday, from the time she got home on, she was trying to pick a fight with me. She got mad at me for suggesting that she didn't need to lock the door because we were walking to a Walgreens up the street, which is really kind of funny. Then she called me irresponsible because I didn't realize that I was almost out of one of my medications until yesterday, when I took my last one. It's not really irresponsible, I feel. I didn't notice because I never look at the pills in the bottle. I just tap the bottle until one falls into my hand. I'm going to clean the house, though, as a peace offering. Not to mention because it's disgusting. My mother has an aversion to cleaning when I'm not home. I really do all the cleaning, but she takes the credit for it because she straightens up every once in a while.



I'm just making myself mad. I'm going to stop.



Oh! I also got a roll of my film from my trip developed. Pictures will be posted today.

So... I got back from my trip to New York yesterday evening. It was a let down, but I'm actually quite surprised. In the past, when I got back I would have been really regretful that it was over, not happy that I'd just had the best time of my life. Yes, I'm disappointed that it's over, but I'm beyond happy with the memory of my trip. I really did have the best time of my life, literally. I got to see my best friend, Jessica, whom I hadn't seen since she moved back up to Long Island last summer. And I got to meet a friend of mine, Julio, whom I had known online for a few years. That was amazing, by the way. He was the most fun person I've ever hung out with. There wasn't one second when we were hanging out that I wasn't having a GREAT time.

I've got pictures, but they were on a film camera, so I've got to wait until I've got the funds to get them developed. I'm going to ask my mother if she'd be willing to get one or two of the rolls done.


I know I'm always the one who says that love is silly, and that I'd never get into a relationship, but I think I've found my downfall. No one has ever made me feel the way I did when I was with Julio. I feel silly, and not in a bad way. I don't want to say I'm feeling love, but I'm feeling something. He's just such an amazing person, and in so many ways. Of course, though, the one person I find who makes me feel like this lives 15000 miles away. :( But, I suppose it's just more motivation to get my shit together and move up there, eh?


Anyway... I'm going to end this. I'll post an in-depth analysis of my trip later. When I've got the motivation. lol

So... I'm quite proud of myself right now. :) I run pretty frequently, usually once a day, sometimes I skip a day or two. Normally, though, I run about a half a mile, then walk a little, then run a little more, and do that four or five times, and then I'm done. Well, today I got up early and decided to go for a run before it got too hot, and I ran farther than I've ever run without stopping. I ran a little a mile, give or take a few yards. And it wasn't that hard, which is amazing to me. It didn't take me long to catch my breath at all. And I didn't even have to finish my entire water.



In other news, I depart for New York City in three days. Words cannot describe my elation at the moment. I'm going to be stopping through Baltimore, and I'm going to get to meet bigfundrew, which is pretty awesome. :)



So yeah... I'm going today to go work for my mom's friend so I can earn a little extra cash for my trip. That'll be fun, I'm sure. Anywho. Got to go.